boys don't cry: How Childhood shapes emotional unavailability in men

For those who have found themselves in a relationship with someone who just won’t let you in, it can feel frustrating, confusing, and sometimes painful. Maybe he says things like "it's not that deep", avoids emotional conversations, shuts down during conflict, or keeps his own feelings and experiences inside.

For many men, the struggle to express emotions isn’t a conscious choice—it’s a learned behavior, deeply rooted in their upbringing.

The Early Message: Boys Don’t Cry

From a young age, many boys receive some very direct and indirect messages about emotions. Here are a few I've had shared with me in my time working with men in therapy:

❌ “Be a man.”

❌ “Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about.”

❌ “Just get up, don't be weak!”

Depending on who you talk to and what we know generationally and culturally, these phrases may be labeled as harmless. What I have learned speaking with many men Is what they heard is that vulnerability is a weakness, that emotions—other than anger—are something to suppress, or that crying Is something only women do. Over time, expressing feelings becomes foreign, even shameful. Emotional unavailability becomes his way of being.

The Role of Caregivers

Children learn how to navigate emotions by watching their caregivers. If a boy grows up in a home where:

    •    Affection between him and his father is rare

    •    Emotions are dismissed or punished

    •    Vulnerability is met with shame

    •    Love feels conditional on achievement

…he may internalize the belief that emotional expression is dangerous or useless. Instead of learning to process feelings, he learns to bury them. This has a lasting impact on not only his sense of self, but all his relationships to come.

Fast forward to adulthood—he wants to experience love, but emotional closeness feels unsafe. Anytime he senses himself feeling vulnerable, he may find reasons to end things in self protection. The fear of truly being known and seen by another person feels foreign. This can show up as:

    •    Commitment issues. Being a "player" or never really wanting to move past the hookup stage. Someone who doesn't want a label.

    •    Using humor or distraction when things get serious

    •    Becoming judgmental or labeling a partner as "needy" when seeking reassurance

    •    Struggling to identify or verbalize his own emotions

It’s not that he doesn’t care—it’s that he was never taught how to really connect to himself, OR others in this way. The most concerning thing is not only does this result in an increase of internalized shame for men, but since the message was to not acknowledge his own emotions, he does not seek help. Men seek therapy for depression only half as much as women do, yet account for 80% of suicide rates in the United States. Globally, men are 2-3x more likely to die by suicide in comparison to women.

Reparenting and Breaking the Cycle

Emotional unavailability isn’t fixed. Healing starts with awareness about our own attachment styles, practicing vulnerability with close friends, family and partners, or working with a professional to help guide and support you through this. For men who struggle with emotional expression, therapy (like EMDR) can help process past wounds and rewire their approach to intimacy. Another way one can work to do this is with inner child work and reparenting. Starting to validate and acknowledge the needs of the child you once were, and now that you are an adult, talking to yourself in ways that encourage emotional expression, experiencing and growth.

For partners, patience and boundaries are key—loving someone through their healing is compassionate, but it’s not your job to fix them. Partners who express their needs and boundaries, while simultaneously inviting their partner to do the same, can create emotional safety, security & growth. But we all have a limit to not having our needs met. Take care of yourselves and know when to walk away if there is not effort being made to communicate.

Rewriting our Stories and Moving Forward

Nobody's childhood wounds are ours to carry or tolerate indefinitely. BUT, understanding our partners past can bring clarity and understanding that Is needed to deepen connection and encourage vulnerability. Ultimately, it’s up to him to do the work. The best thing you can do is prioritize your own emotional needs and choose relationships that offer the depth and connection you deserve.

Would love to hear your thoughts—have you ever experienced this in a relationship? Let’s talk in the comments!